In 2000, these painters were painting inside our house we intended to sell and I noticed one of them would leave their wallet on the toolbox and it was always fat. So I stole 20 from it one time. Also, if you were these two grown men, wouldn’t you feel uncomfortable painting in a house w/ just 2 young boys (my brother and me) in the house? I didn’t think about that when I started this post. Anyway, pre-meditated theft. Stay woke to young thieves you paint houses for.

I want to go to a concert w/ friends and see an act we all adore immensely and I want to put our arms around each other’s shoulders and sway and jump together to the music. I’ve never done that.

Also, I want to break up rival squads with ours, charging into them, sometimes absorbing their members to create an even larger music-embracing unit.

Before I went on the internet, people like Katie Couric and Dianne Sawyer would be names without faces for years. Who the fuck is Matt Lauer?? I watched Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999) so many times and Dianne Sawyer was idolized by Kirsten Dunst’s character and that always bothered me that I didn’t know who the hell that was. 

I met Alex Bleeker of Real Estate and told him he looked like a young Dave Attell. I dunno, man, I panicked

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I don’t watch porn anymore. Just get off on cherry blossoms falling and the sound of waterfalls and shit. 

I saw Real Estate last night and though it was sold out, Ezra 3deep5u managed to get us some tickets cheap, so big thanks for that. This is the fourth time seeing them and I didn’t get to see them in 2013, so I had a lot of emotions built up, waiting to be unleashed. Man, they’re so polished. I didn’t cry but I was literally smiling as big as I could for 80% of the show. I’d look back at other people to see if they were doing the same, and better believe they were :) They played damn near everything but “Out of Tune” and “Suburban Beverage.” Talked with Alex Bleaker afterward, told him he looked like a young Dave Attell (shots fired). I think that was my favorite concert experience ever.

I take children’s games very seriously. Once, I was playing a form of tag - zombie tag - and I was on the roof and the one who was “it” spotted me. I’m trying to avoid him and I get to this ladder to climb down but there’s like, an enclosed part that’s about six feet tall, at the bottom, to prevent people from climbing up it, so when I see him above me about to reach me to tag me, I jump off, with split second judgment, backwards and land on my feet, but I break my ankle and foot. It was kind of like Eric Roberts in the Dark Knight. I didn’t know it was that bad until the doctor’s result. We were at a middle school a little before midnight and it was with friends. So they all carried me from the center of the school to a car to go to the hospital. I broke my talus bone and they told me I had like, half a chance of keeping my middle toe because there was a possibility blood wouldn’t reach it or something. So now, I ownt play games. 

One time, I saw Beach Fossils w/ a friend. After, we were outside, chatting w/ another friend and this dude walks by and says “Anyone want these tickets (to the Prince concert about 5 buildings down)?” I assumed he meant to buy, but my friend said sure and we got one ticket. We had a limited time though, ‘cause we had to get to the last train in 20 minutes or so. We agreed I’d pop in for a minute then come out, but when I came out, I couldn’t find him, so I sprinted to the train station, thinking I’d catch up to him. It turns out he was at the venue’s pizza restaurant on the side. Anyway, I got on the train and he ended up stuck in the city. He chilled the night at my school and used my school ID to use the computers. That was the night I saw Prince for 30 secs and I have a new phone now w/ a stronger battery :) His old phone. 

On the topic of Tim Alien grunts: 
A few summers ago, my friends and I got high and watched the 36th Chamber of Shaolin, dubbed version. There’s a scene where a character grunts and my friend says, “What is this, ‘Tool Time: China,’ nigga?” and about 30 seconds went by before I processed that joke and the three of us laughed for 30 minutes straight and ignored the movie ‘cause we were hysterical. I’ll find the grunt. 

Once, during a Boys & Girls Club league basketball game, an 8-year-old me amassed an astonishing ten points in a game before being subbed out and soon after, a disgruntled mother shouted “Put Dennis back in!” and I, I felt so alive, for the very first time. 

I could never be the

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my

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always wanted.

There’s no documented proof I have a penis, past the age of 1ish. I’ve never even seen my dick through a camera’s screen.

One time on here, someone liked a picture of me and boi, I was so fucking lifted! I Googled the nearest hill and ran to that shit. Friend, you shoulda seen how fast I ran up that baby and Julie Andrews’d my 1-note heart out. It was an original song too, man, I was inspired. All right, I had a little help from a writer friend hhha there’s no fooling you. It was then that I knew there was a higher power and I wasn’t afraid anymore, of death.

Haven’t wanted to listen to Bon Iver in at least two years.